I have an Uncle from Brooklyn named Lou. Up there they call him "Lucky" Lou. I always called him Uncle Lucky. Legend has it that Uncle Lucky knows how to pick winners. Personally, I'm not so sure, because Uncle Lucky still drives a 1984 Toyota Corolla and wears really old track suits. He also smells like an odd mix of garlic and Listerine. Uncle Lucky hates bad breath, but I digress.
Because I know that I'm not lucky, I've invited my Uncle Lucky to help me with my picks this year. So here goes...
Oh, and one last thing, you'll enjoy Uncle Lucky's picks more if you read them with a Joey Buttafuoco accent. You can do it. Channel your inner Tony Soprano. Rocky is also a good voice.
On to Uncle Lucky's Picks:
Tennessee-Martin at Kentucky (11 a.m., SEC Network)
I'm insulted that my nephew wants this to be my first pick. It reminds me of the time that my buddy Lenny tried to get me to eat these chips ahoy cookies when there was a perfectly good cannoli in his ice box. But whatever. If you really need me to help you with this one you might consider doing something different with your money. Horse racing. That's an idea (don't worry about, you can pay me later). But if you insist, you gotta take the Wildcats in this one. Now back up a little, you're mouth breathing on me, and it makes me uncomfortable.
West Virginia vs. Alabama (2:30 p.m., ABC, ESPN2)
The Mountaineers have a coach named Dana. The only other Dana I ever knew is wearing concrete boots in close proximity to the beach, if you know whad I mean. What kind of mother names a kid Dana? I'll take Little Nicky to win and win big.
South Dakota State at Missouri (2:30 p.m., ESPNU)
Fuggetaboutit. Mizzou.
Arkansas at Auburn (2 p.m., SEC Network)
I once knew a mob boss that reminds me a lot of Brett Bielema, but that's got nuthin to do with nuthin. Anyway, he's in the witness protection program now. I heard on the street a few years ago that he was coaching football in Wisconsin or something. Wait a minute... Anyway, this "friend" of mine didn't know anything about football. He thought you could win by putting 10 people on the line of scrimmage and running it over and over again. That mighta worked in the Vince Lombardi days, but last I heard Vince Lombardi wasn't in the SEC. Anyway, we have this saying in Brooklyn, always bet the winner. I don't know exactly what it means, but between these two I think Auburn's the winner. I'll take the Tigers.
Again with the mouth breathing? Next time I'm bringing mints to pass around to you people.
Clemson at Georgia (4:30 p.m., ESPN)
Wha? You think Mark Richt can actually win a big game? You probly think Prego tastes better than homemade, too. Richt's a choke artist. In fact, after he leaves Georgia I got some buddies over at the docks that could use a guy like him to, you know, choke people. But that's another story. Aaron Murray is gone. Richt's a choker. Fuggetaboutit. Take Clemson.
Idaho at Florida (6 p.m., ESPNU)
My guy Guido scores more points on Friday nights at the bar than Jeff Driskel ever will, and Guido's not so good lookin' if ya know whad I mean.... Florida is a 36-point favorite. Fortunately for Will Muschamp, Idaho is as bad as gold chains with a burgandy track suit (gold goes better with the navy tracksuit I'm wearing, don't you think?). Muschamp will be swimmin with the fishes before this season is over, but not yet. I'll take the Gada's, but I'm not happy about it, if ya know what I mean.
Southern Miss at Mississippi State (5:30 p.m., SEC Network)
I have a hard time tellin' these two schools apart. Which one is the one where they stick their arms inside the cows? Nevermind. Look, Southern Miss hasn't won but one game in two years. The problem is that the Bully Dogs are 30.5-point favorites. I know that this Dak Prescott kid is in line to be the next Pope and all, but I'm just not so sure the Bulldogs are as great as the noise. That said, 1 game in two years? This pick reminds me of my Momma's Spicy Meatballs. It gives me heartburn, if ya know whad I mean. Her meat balls are so full of garlic and weird spices that I have to hold my nose when I eat them. I can't hurt Momma's feelings ya know. I'll take the Eagles, but I'm holding my nose.
Please back up from the computer. Sheesh.
Wisconsin vs. LSU (7 p.m., ESPN)
Les Miles reminds me of the time my friend Giovanni tried to eat nothing but vegetables for an entire week. "My marinara sauce has vegetables in it," I told him. He still wouldn't eat it. If that didn't make any sense, then you know what I'm talking about with Les Miles. HA! Anyway, I can tell my nephew Jake is getting impatient with me, so I'l get to it. I may be from Brooklyn, but I've never fallen off of one of those turnip trucks, if ya know whad I mean. I'm not picking no Big Ten school to beat an SEC team. No way. I'll take the Bayou Bengals.
Utah State at Tennessee (Sunday, 6 p.m., SEC Network)
We have this saying in Brooklyn: "You can't cover a 6-point spread against a team that finished 9-5 the year before when you're starting entirely new offensive and defensive lines." Okay, so I made that up, but it's true. I don't see Tennessee winning this one by much. I'll take Utah State.
TALK ABOUT SATURDAY'S GAMES ON THE MESSAGE BOARD
